since 2008 I wanted to try one more time for one more baby. I'd hold up my index finger and put it in view of my husband and say "one more". He would smile. nod. even shake his head at what seemed delusional. we hadn't any health insurance. his income was fleeting. we had just downsized into our 2 bedroom condo. the odds were stacked against growing our family. should we be simply content with what we had? three healthy, growing, pride making boys. our plate was full. yet a still & small voice inside me spoke often...."one more".
for 2 years we waited for the means to buy health insurance. for 3 years we fought the battles that threatened our marriage. for 1 1/2 years we "tried" to conceive. um...the youngest was about to turn 5 and I was facing my final year of my youthful 30s.
O give up already. health insurance is expensive, cut the maternity coverage, save some money. your marriage needs work and it takes more love than you've got. you aren't able to bear anymore children, you've tried. you're being greedy. some women would be happy with just one child. and anyway....you are getting too old.
wow. these thoughts just linger with logic and dampen dreams. I had become reasonable. and reasonable doesn't dream well. nor hope for things unseen. I was letting go of my dream. it was slipping away.
almost......
on the other hand, I chose to believe in the evidence of God working in other people's lives. I chose to believe that He is the God of the impossible.
I witnessed a surprise baby from a family who underwent the struggles of testicular cancer and were judged "sterile".
I witnessed brave parents of 3 boys, where mom was effected by lupus, prepare for adoption only to find out that they were having a baby girl all their own. her body was capable beyond understanding.
another friend has a house full of 5 girls. that, in itself, oozes undeniable blessings. I couldn't look upon her family without seeing an attitude of wanting ALL that God offers, even though she had loss in between all that gain. she inspires me to pursue all the good I can.
I heard good news of friends, who lost their 1st baby girl full term, then had 3 girls! and then they were blessed with a baby boy!
I even found inspiration watching my in-laws move across country to realize their east coast dream....and another family who satisfied the siren call of moving back to hawaii. they both had courage to make it happen rather than live in a place of "what if". I didn't want to be accountable to "what if?" I want to say, at the very least, "I tried".
I witnessed a young girl with an inoperable brain tumor proclaim NEGU! (never ever give up) a faithful slogan that inspires hundreds of thousands to not give up hope, even if the circumstances make so much sense to throw in the towel.
these external reminders kept my dream alive. they obliterated the lingering nay sayers. I would imagine a small baby in my arms...all curled up, red, and smelling o so babyish. it kept me dreaming. it kept hope alive. it kept me unreasonable :o)
so, guess what.... we are having one more! I'm 14 weeks pregnant!
although our circumstances are not ideal and I'd love to do this in a larger home and as a much much younger mum, I'll take it! the wait is over. I'll praise and rejoice. I'll feel like spring and proclaim victory. I'll consider all things possible despite circumstance & reason.
and I won't give up my dreams.
listen to yours. they are believable.
