The Howorth Family Christmas Post 2012

I am finding it difficult to start this letter. I’ve attempted 4 times. In fact, I’m finding it difficult to start anything other than laundry. I’ve pinned a lot of aspirations on exceptional mothering and homemaking. But, wow…did you hear that we now have 4 kids? It seems like mere survival at this time. During this season in my life all I can accomplish is composure and an inventory of TP.  Trying to find myself is a task in and of itself, but very necessary for Christmas card writing. I mean, who wants to read something without heart & thoughtful content? So, here we go….

Christmas Greetings to you! We hope this finds you happy & healthy. I am glad to report that we are happy & healthy as well.  We began the year with the thrilling announcement “We are pregnant!”. Tori Jean Howorth was born September 20^th. We are indulging in all that comes along with a newborn baby. I highly recommend holding a newborn whenever you get the chance. It does the heart good. The boys are smothering big brothers and Tori seems to like all the attention.

Tyler is 5 and in kindergarten. Unlike his brothers, he comes home from school singing songs. He’ll take 5 minutes to report his thoughts on a topic, and a few episodes of Tom & Jerry is his constant afternoon ritual. If you invite him over to your home he will jump on your furniture, may even do a backflip. We’ve told him not to… but, it is his “thing”.

Toby just turned 9 and is in 3^rd grade. He is an early riser. Just the other day, after a 6 am booktime, he stretched and sighed “reading is such a good way to start the day”. My child said this? I can take no credit. Toby proves every day that he is unique. His interests are self-born. Although, he does share the love of surfing with his dad and has taken on basketball like his older brother.

Tim is 12 and in jr high. He is our young bachelor about. Already proficient at cooking breakfast, brewing coffee, and walking the dog. We are raising adults, not kids, yet recently I have flashbacks by just watching him sit across from me. It’s like Tim the 3 year old emerges and is trying to read a silly book …but now in a very deep baritone voice. Gosh, I wish you all could see him play basketball, too.

And then there’s us. Oh yeah, us. James & I want to do things and try to do things, but we are just living each day for our kids and work. It must be the self-sacrificing years. We cannot be distracted with much else. Otherwise we’d miss out on what is important …what is right here. We do plan to get away soon, just the two of us. Next year will be our 15 year anniversary and also my 40^th birthday, plus we have a life to celebrate. This life. This abundant life. 

Now, how do I end this note? I really want to see you all and catch up in person. Ideally we’d share a Christmas mug of spiked cocoa and sit near a cozy fire…. If I could manage that alone I’d call it a success. So, instead, I’ll end with a blessing of peace on your home and family. May this new year, and all that it offers, be sweet and full of enough grace to face it.

With all the love we can muster, Merry Christmas!

Love, Team Howorth

hope

when the world says, "give up", hope whispers, "try one more time" - anonymous


since 2008 I wanted to try one more time for one more baby. I'd hold up my index finger and put it in view of my husband and say "one more". He would smile. nod. even shake his head at what seemed delusional. we hadn't any health insurance. his income was fleeting. we had just downsized into our 2 bedroom condo. the odds were stacked against growing our family. should we be simply content with what we had? three healthy, growing, pride making boys. our plate was full. yet a still & small voice inside me spoke often...."one more". 


for 2 years we waited for the means to buy health insurance. for 3 years we fought the battles that threatened our marriage. for 1 1/2 years we "tried" to conceive. um...the youngest was about to turn 5 and I was facing my final year of my youthful 30s.


O give up already. health insurance is expensive, cut the maternity coverage, save some money. your marriage needs work and it takes more love than you've got. you aren't able to bear anymore children, you've tried. you're being greedy. some women would be happy with just one child. and anyway....you are getting too old. 


wow. these thoughts just linger with logic and dampen dreams. I had become reasonable. and reasonable doesn't dream well. nor hope for things unseen. I was letting go of my dream. it was slipping away.
almost......


on the other hand, I chose to believe in the evidence of God working in other people's lives. I chose to believe that He is the God of the impossible. 
I witnessed a surprise baby from a family who underwent the struggles of testicular cancer and were judged "sterile". 
I witnessed brave parents of 3 boys, where mom was effected by lupus, prepare for adoption only to find out that they were having a baby girl all their own. her body was capable beyond understanding. 
another friend has a house full of 5 girls. that, in itself, oozes undeniable blessings. I couldn't look upon her family without seeing an attitude of wanting ALL that God offers, even though she had loss in between all that gain. she inspires me to pursue all the good I can.
I heard good news of friends, who lost their 1st baby girl full term, then had 3 girls! and then they were blessed with a baby boy! 
I even found inspiration watching my in-laws move across country to realize their east coast dream....and another family who satisfied the siren call of moving back to hawaii. they both had courage to make it happen rather than live in a place of "what if". I didn't want to be accountable to "what if?" I want to say, at the very least, "I tried".
I witnessed a young girl with an inoperable brain tumor proclaim NEGU! (never ever give up) a faithful slogan that inspires hundreds of thousands to not give up hope, even if the circumstances make so much sense to throw in the towel. 
these external reminders kept my dream alive. they obliterated the lingering nay sayers. I would imagine a small baby in my arms...all curled up, red, and smelling o so babyish. it kept me dreaming. it kept hope alive. it kept me unreasonable :o)


so, guess what.... we are having one more! I'm 14 weeks pregnant! 
although our circumstances are not ideal and I'd love to do this in a larger home and as a much much younger mum, I'll take it! the wait is over. I'll praise and rejoice. I'll feel like spring and proclaim victory. I'll consider all things possible despite circumstance & reason.


and I won't give up my dreams.  


listen to yours. they are believable.

year end.....2011

here it is folks. my annual letter. it comes with a disclaimer this year.... 
warning. the following contains sarcasm and blunt honesty. viewers discretion & adult beverage advised.


Have you ever had one of those years where you said "what kind of year was THAT? are my limbs still in tact?" 


no? well, lucky you.


I promise I won't rant. James & I have a lot to be grateful for...for starters, we made it through 2011 still married. But, I'm not gonna lie....it was tough. real tough. ugly things started to emerge, like hate, apathy, chaos, nomadic-ism, and the occasional budget crunch. 


I didn't signup for this. 


So, with disappointment leading my thoughts.....the year rolled on as one would guess.....negatively. The have nots overshadowed the haves. The stress of said struggle stripped away my health. I'd have 3 days of super suburban hero mom productivity ....then 6 days of lethargy. When the kids started school in the fall I had BIG PLANS. All 3 boys off to the world of academia and I was to "Carpe Diem". My body had other ideas. I lost my appetite and fell asleep on the couch for over a week. Add a 30 day notice to move and the uneasy feeling that renting might be more long term than hoped and voila! I disintegrated. 


Now, yes, my troubles are small...and yes, I have a great husband and 3 awesomely wonderful sons....to sum that up...I have a wonderful life. It was just a "not so wonderful year" mixed with a crappy attitude & ever failing arguments over where our lives were headed. sucky. very sucky indeed. It's like a car without a driver...on a mountain road....in a blizzard.....and we're too stunned to park and put chains on. how's that for an analogy.


so, with the swift flick of my wand all our problems went away. I turned my frown upside-down. We made lemonade out of lemons. HA! that was the movie version, kids. 


In reality, we are still facing the hard truths. The truth that marriage is work. The truth that we don't know how to do life "happy" all the time and that must be learned. The truth that pure love is not easy to dish out. Embracing these truths will help us grasp perspective & direction & the steering wheel of this so called life. We both long for a unified marriage & more love &, heck, more "indoor sport". We will get there. eventually. 


Now, I mentioned 3 sons. well, I'll post a picture, k? I could boast about their flag football careers and their reading achievements, or even how exceptionally smart they are, especially at video gaming.....but, I'm not going there this year. It's not about the kids. It's about our marriage. Without it our kids would be lost and we would be quitters.