Christmas 2016 - A Team Howorth Update

Time to celebrate the best time of year by writing to you, our family & friends, I hope this finds you safe and merry and experiencing peace this Christmas. 

Turns out that we like how this blog is documenting the years for us and has saved us a ton of postage/licking envelopes....

....this is us, all 6 of us, in Vegas for Thanksgiving. We are completely devoted to family time and our marriage. It's sacred and the time is fleeting, so we are indulging in all the goodness while we can. 

Tim, our 16yo, looks like a suburban teen thug wannabe. Do not let the tough appearance play you. He is such a success with work, school, and play. We are most proud of who he is to his core and how that's reflected in his relationships with his siblings and loved ones. He drives my dad's 18yo forest green honda accord. We tinted the windows and James & Tim installed a new stereo. It's a huge gift to us, as well as Tim, that he can manage his daily life all on his own. Thanks dad!

Toby, now 13yo, is taller than me and cooler than me. We can trust him with a bit of responsibility and rely on him to do the the dirty work in the yard if James needs an extra hand. He's our outdoorsman, our fisherman, our open heart, our neighborhood vigilante. 

Tyler will be 10yo in February! Which is epic for him, and a crisis of midlife for me. Fourth grade is a breeze for him now that he is graduating from speech therapy. Things just makes more sense to him now and he is able to enjoy reading, which is kinda important if you want to feel adequate in the classroom. Bless him for overcoming such struggles.

Tori, who is 4yo, is a girly-girl. Dresses everyday. Play kitchens and hospitality. Momma to her baby dolls and stuffed animals. Her favorite colors are the ones in the rainbow, like, all of them. She is a constant companion and wants to participate in all that is going on. She insists she is capable of most endeavors. This pains me to no end as I sit on my hands and watch her do in 5min what I could do for her in less than 30sec.  

I'd like to close this letter with a poem I wrote during November. It was a gift to pen it and I hope you enjoy it. 

May this Christmas time bless you in ways you haven't experienced before.

Peace out, 

StefHowie

Blindly, I became a mother
Who could foretell it to me?
It's like unearthing a treasure from beneath the sea
What an adventure!
What an ordeal!
What a worthy time capsule, secret & still....
No words can express the emotions I have felt,
the deep connection of hearts,
the protectiveness overwhelmed
I wish I could foretell it,
when motherhood becomes your dare
The unexplainable awaits
while I braid your hair....

penned 11/20/2016

Merry Christmas Eve Post 2014

My Husband, James, asked me the other day, "Does it feel like Christmas to you?"
I replied, "Is it supposed to? We are the adults orchestrating all the "Christmas" for everyone else." Then, this evening, at church my pastor asked "What does joy feel like?" and he continued to present the idea that joy is childlike....
There it is. Childlike, not childish, nor adultish. Childlike. Playful, cooperative, innocent. Wide eyed and mesmerized. Hopeful and believable. Expectant.
Christmas is a time to reflect on all the goodness from the year rather than be caught up in all the duty and demands of adulthood. It is a reminder that great things are possible and wonderful, powerful love has been brought to earth. Christmas is joy fulfilled. 
Let me report some goodness.....
We bought a home in September and we are glad to own again....and not ever need to move. One can only hope this statement is truth.
James is really enjoying his work as a Mortgage Banker with JMJ Financial. Now that we own a home again, he looks forward to replenishing a toylist of motorcycles and standup paddleboards this next year as the commissions come in. He works hard to support us all, I hope he has the chance to reward himself!
Tim is 14 and in 8th grade. He is an amazing athlete. Even though I think that word "amazing" is severely overused in our day & age, it still applies to our son.  And I will brag about him. Next year he will start high school football and I will be that nutty mom in a bling jersey with his number on it....hope for #20! Meanwhile, he skateboards and looks for some sort of employer that will hire a 14yo.
Toby is 11 and in 5th grade. Reads for pleasure, and makes high marks in language arts. Right now his sport is rugby. In the summer it was swimming. Next summer it may be water polo (fingers crossed). He is an all around athlete and slighty bossy. I know with a few humbling life lessons he will become a wise leader to lead some sort of team to some sort of success. 
Tyler is 7 and in 2nd grade. He thinks he flies under the radar. He tries to sneak junk food while he thinks we aren't looking. He has a sharp wit and great one-liners. He, also, is a task master. When he needs to get a job done he will run circles around his brothers to accomplish it. But, he doesn't try to impress anyone, except his teachers, which, in the end, impresses me thoroughly.  
Tori is 2. Our girl! She is a buster. Cordial and sweet while busy and curious. Her one downfall is her appreciation of "Caillou" and how she must watch that tv show in heavy doses. Upcoming news...diapers will soon be a thing of the past. Am I sick to consider that bittersweet?
As for me, Stefani, I am knee deep in hope to have this house become a home. I confess I am a bit caught up in what I don't have, like furniture, and I know I am a little self-involved right now. I keep explaining it to others with the analogy of washing a car....if you wash your car you think it somehow runs better....if I renovate & furnish our new house it may feel a bit more like our own. We'll see. It is an overwhelming, all-consuming task, but so glad to have this as my short list of issues and circumstances to deal with.
As for experiencing Christmas like a child, we are trying to shed our weary adult mindsets and look for the moments that are joyful. With our eyes wide open we try to take in all that this Christmas reveals. With 2015 fast approaching we are also hopeful of what might lie ahead. Blessings to you & your family. May your Christmas experience be childlike......
love, the Howorths

The Howorth Family Annual Post 2013

As I sit in a silent home and grab the opportunity to write....I stall. What do I possibly have to write about? I am hardly inspired. I simply have a quiet opportunity to do so....and the lingering duty of documenting our annual Christmas letter...for which I will be needing a tardy slip. Last night I saw a friend's post on Instagram which sums up my feelings for the year....."Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone." -Lin Yutang

The practice of "letting go" is my theme for the this past year. We said our goodbyes much to soon to my mother who died February 2nd. Her life ended well, in her sleep, peacefully. She was 65. It was an unforeseen event that shocked all of us and confronted all of us. I felt powerless, I wanted to do something to change the outcome. She left her mark in this world and with so many people. I want more marks..... She is gone. Let go. 

Our oldest son, Tim, is now 13. (Let go). He is far more mature than he needs to be. He is caught up in skateboarding at the moment. He is daring & courageous. And, just like every other sport he attempts, he is extremely talented. I really enjoy his presence...just having him in the room or sharing an inside joke is pure joy in my heart.

Toby, our 10 year old, is in tackle rugby this season. (Let go). We were surprised at the season opener scrimmage....our little toothpick is a scrapper. He tackled big opponents without a second thought. I couldn't help but consider his thought process..."got a job to do. so do it." Off the field he is everyone's friend. At home he is our "manny". He is the most nurturing big brother to his baby sister. My heart swells knowing there is a lot of love in him.

Tyler is now 6 1/2. He started touch rugby. (Let go a little). He is our introvert. Able to play alone and make the mundane a playground. He is a happy guy with creative ideas. He is also learning to speak up for himself since he is at the bottom of the pecking order. He still needs us for bedtime tucking, though, which some days can be an adorable way to complete a day's work. 

Our baby girl, Tori, is 1. Gosh she is cute. She has a sweetness in her that softens even the most rugged of personalities. Babies have great understanding and she shows that everyday by sorting things or taking things to the trash. If she gets the remote or phone she thinks she is "bigtime". Our family is complete.

James is still the one to seek for home loans and personal finance advice. I am impressed with his tenacity, always. It is not an easy business. But, like all challenges in life, it is rewarding. James went on a few adventures this year, too. (Yes...let go). He went on a short term mission trip to Mozambique and served the local children & villages. He & Toby went on a spontaneous hiking trip to Yosemite with friends. This was a huge blessing for my man since he had not ever been there before! I am so native that fact still blows my mind. Then in November he got a long weekend away in Colorado with church buddies. He is blessed.

As for me, I am at a loss for words. I love what I do and I do what I love. It has to be that simple or I would lose my mind. Adventures await me, projects call my name, but I am settled in these moments of the "noble art of leaving things undone". 

Merry Christmastime ;o) and Happy New Year! May you all experience Love in new ways, Joy in new moments, and Hope in the new year.

Love Always, Stefani

homeschool 101

I'd like to think that I am writing this post to help others explore the topic of homeschooling, but the reality is I am probably needing to hear myself reason. It is a vast, explorable topic that is fresh and current for any modern mom. It is worth a look or two just for the sake of understanding the homeschool genre. And for those who are seriously considering homeschool options, a world of opportunities and resources await you. Here is my experience....

I decided to bring my 3rd grader home mid year to get a hands on idea of what homeschooling really involved. He was doing very well in school. But, I knew he could accomplish more. I also knew that it wasn't a critical academic year for him and if I failed, he would, at the very least, still know his math facts. 

I have been open to homeschooling since before I had kids. I had tossed the idea around for years and met with ESs (educational supervisors) and other homeschooling moms. I am really drawn to the whole idea.  I even called myself a "closet homeschool mom" since I would require geography, reading, and math over the summers. Even after all my inquiries and interviews of those in homeschool circles, I still hadn't a true grasp of what it was all about. What does it take to be a homeschool mom? Would I juggle all 4 kids' subject loads? Will I ever have a home with the idyllic homeschool room dedicated to the betterment of my special little offspring? I decided "the ideal time may not ever arrive, so, let's give it a go & give it my best." We started homeschooling in January. We started small. My neighbor down the street homeschools her 5 kids, pre K to Freshman, so I had my own personal mentor on a regular basis. We called her my "Obi Wan". I figured I would just follow her model and tweak things to fit our preferences. If I was really serious about this for the future, I would launch out on my own then. But, for the initial trial, why not just mirror a successful model? She introduced me to some wonderful resources and one of the Public Charter Schools. This allowed me to teach what I would like within the 6 subjects (Math, Language Arts, Social Science, Science, Life Skills, and Special Interest) required by the State of California. I signed up with the Charter School and received funds for approved supplemental classes, materials, learning tools, etc. I personally gravitated to unit studies and enjoyed learning alongside my son. We studied California's Gold Rush, Oceans, Easter, Auto Racing, and finished with a virtual study on Germany. Also, every Monday he attended supplemental classes (Science, Art, PE) and I was pleased to have the extra science class to support what we did at home.

• My Pros & Cons

The GREAT thing about homeschooling is if you want to explore the infinite topics of your interest....YOU CAN. It is limitless. If you want to take field trips for every interest that arises....YOU CAN. If your child loses interest with one topic you can move on to what does captivate them. If your child remains intrigued by a certain aspect of study you can dive deeper. It is a great pace. The unfortunate reality is I couldn't follow through on some of those extra awesome endeavors or spend the endless moments hovering over the aspects that captivated him. I shyed away from science experiments in my kitchen. We had all intentions of beginning each day with physical activity, but most days were in front of a computer for 2 1/2 hours. I missed recess. He said he didn't, but I know he needed breaks. I fell short in offering art supplies and art direction. I would've loved to have taken more field trips, too. We intend to follow through on some leftover items like skyping our friend who lives in Germany. That would be a techy way to finish up that study, how fun! We'll see if I get to it....it is now mid June.

• Reinventing the Wheel

Often my son would say "oh, we did this in Ms. Kelly's class..." or "yeah, Mrs. Milan was reading this to us...." I ended up questioning myself and my obvious unwarranted doubt in the education provided by the our public school. We have had wonderful experiences at 3 different public schools in our area (we had moved a lot in the recent years). My boys always had high marks and were enjoying the public school experience for the most part (there is the common complaint that "I hate school" or "school is boring"). In order to provide an outstanding difference I had to provide something outstanding. Otherwise, I was simply accomplishing what the public school was accomplishing, with the exception that my son wore his pjs past 10:00a and he really did love his teacher.

• Schedules... Pick Your Poison

The whole experience was a treasure, a treasure in a very heavy chest. It takes commitment, discipline, and effort. Yes, there is an attractive freedom. There is not an outside source setting a schedule, but, you have to be diligent with homeschooling and you end up with a schedule all your own. Our mornings started after the other 2 were off to school and IF the babe was on her way to a nap. Otherwise I was juggling. My son did a software program for math and was self directed with that. Then we would sit together and read through the interactive unit study. If I needed to steal away, he would work on his own....look up vocabulary words, or take a math facts quiz, or do a workbook called "Word A Day", stuff like that. I had to keep on him and train him to be self disciplined. This was the most wearisome part for me. I found that I spent my mornings patrolling him. Some mornings he would surprise me with some self motivated ambition, but, most of the time I had to be vigilant. He did find solace in reading, which helped. For the most part, our mornings were dedicated to his studies. If I ran errands or chose to do something for myself, his work slipped away into oblivion. We managed to make some compromises, like going out for a morning coffee (for me) and a bagel (for him) and we'd bring the mini ipad since they provided WiFi. We would be able to investigate things pertaining to the unit study or watch educational episodes, like Brain Pop, Jr. We affectionately referred to this as "going to the office". 

• Take Your Supplements

By the end of our 6 month experiment I sat on a figurative fence. I struggled with loving the idea of homeschooling vs. loving a well balanced life. I gave up a lot of good things to devote myself to my child's studies. Some may see that as noble. I gave up weekly grocery shopping and meal planning, weekly bible study, and sometimes daily hygiene, to name a few. My husband & I did not see this as noble. We saw this as foolish. If our homschooling resulted with an average student, malnourished family, an uninspired woman, and an unattractive wife.....what was the point? Now, this is my experience. I believe I did this whole thing without a true calling to it. Those who have, what Christians refer to as, a "calling" are not performing in vain. I have exponential reverence for that. I have watched some of my friends homeschool over the years and have only applause and admiration for them. They thrived, as well as their children, and benefitted beyond measure. I see evidence of their "calling". I also experienced times in my life where I had true peace in what I was doing. I was a swim instructor with my own business and contracts with pools. Several years of business and not one check bounced. I considered this a sign of grace and peace over my work. I had confidence in what I was doing and that I was doing what I was made for. That was a "calling". This became the litmus test for my life decisions. I always look for signs of peace in the midst of my work. Not the absence of challenge, but the evidence of peace. I had very little peace during this past 6 months. That was undeniable. It is a desire of my heart to expand my kids' academic exposure. I also have the desire for confident peace. That peace that assures you "yes, this is what you are supposed to be doing" and "don't give up or give in" and "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here". The past 6 months seemed hectic. So, with the support of my husband who was neutral, really, and left the decision up to me, I decided not to homeschool during the elementary years. I am more than happy with their public educations, programs, and sense of community at that level. I will continue to supplement their academics during the summer. I thoroughly enjoy supplementing and find it a creative outlet for me, as well. As for the Jr High experience I have left homeschooling as an option for all my kids. My oldest son wants to come home for a year and then return for 8th grade. Even he is aware there are programs that he wants to take part in both at home and the following public school year. I am fully supportive of his wishes and looking forward to expanding his horizons. Not to mention, I don't mind him dodging that awkward middle school grief.

I believe it was Doug Fields that said "you have to say 'no' to some good things in order to say 'yes' to great things". I found peace in my decision. I am so glad that my husband smiles upon my decision, too. When you take on your heart's dream it is always a blessing that your spouse is an encouragement. There is a still, small voice in me that is re-awakening, re-emerging from a dormant season of duty and demand. I stifled this voice for a season. Crowded it out with ceaseless activity. Another quote I heard during this trial was "We can spend a lifetime on the urgent and miss the important" (Mary Southerland). This struck a chord in me. That voice is now reminding me that I am uniquely gifted. There are great things ahead for me and my family. I have a fun, enchanting future awaiting me. I am so glad I ran this course and I reached its end. It's summer now. Rest calls. Time to spare myself & family from the hectic pace of doing & accomplishing. I am prepared for God's agenda, not my own. I await great things.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog. I hope my open heart is helpful to any who have weighed in on this topic. Please respect my honesty and transparency by leaving courteous responses. Thank You! 

death among us

....death has reared it's ugly face.

My family & I are in the midst of grieving the loss of my young mom. She died, unexpectedly, in her sleep. She was only 65. She died of a broken heart, literally & figuratively. Her heart could not fight on any longer. Though her spirit was so willing to do so. There is evidence of her efforts to help others even in her last days. She poured herself into the betterment of others, that they would live abundant, vibrant lives. Her body could not keep up with her noble agenda. This is the reality of this world.

Many have tried to console me by saying things that have comforted them. "It was God's timing" or "He took her home". I beg to differ. It's in my nature......

Since I was a young girl I have had an ever developing relationship with God through Jesus. I have gotten to know Him. I have studied the bible. I am not claiming to know it all, nor be an expert theologian. I do have confidence, though, that God HATES death. He has victory over it. He doesn't partner with it. Nor is He subject to it. We are. We are dying. Some of us are in crazy agreement with it. We need to be rescued. To say that it was "His timing" lends to the idea that she was "meant" to leave, "meant" to die. It is just too vague of a statement for me and disregards the real truth that she was meant to LIVE. We all are meant to live.

God mourns with us when death occurs. He is not "ok" with it. I am saddened that she's not living, not so much that I have loss. Yes, I miss her. But, the grief comes from the depths of knowing that I want life for her. I want life for all my loved ones. Life is precious and highly valued by God.

Unlike us, God has a complete understanding of it all. We can only understand a fragment of what is really going on. He allowed death to have it's moment with my mom. Death brought her to new life. She stepped into an eternity of full glory and joy. God makes beauty from ashes, turns bad things into good things....great things. I think that is why people have tried to say to me what has comforted them. Statements that help grasp some kind of understanding on a very spiritual event. I have immeasurable peace because of my faith. I am comforted knowing, without doubt, that my mom is in the presence of God. That is my comfort and consolation.

God also allows death to confront us. How else would we see the necessity of His offer? He offers life. He is in the business of restoring what was lost. A joyful eternity. A beautifully unfallen, created world. A well lived, supernaturally powered present. Death reared it's ugly face, yet it is the confrontation we need to see how Great God truly is. Not for His sake, but for our sake. He loves us so much that He takes great measures to reach our souls.

Do you know that you can live life safe from death's grip? Do you consider that there is an eternity awaiting you? What is your take on death and the afterlife? and from where have you drawn your conclusions? I encourage you to contemplate this topic. You could check out juststopandthink.com and get a lot of questions answered. Or refer to a good friend that can help find biblical answers. Search the bible. Truth awaits you. I want life for you. God wants life for you. So much so that He rectified our sin, our consequence of death. "For God so loved the world that He sent His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting LIFE." John 3:16 This is a simple, yet compelling, truth that death thinks we will ignore. Grace to you and the life you pursue!

In loving memory of my mom, Linda, and her pursuit of a vibrant, abundant life.

The Howorth Family Christmas Post 2012

I am finding it difficult to start this letter. I’ve attempted 4 times. In fact, I’m finding it difficult to start anything other than laundry. I’ve pinned a lot of aspirations on exceptional mothering and homemaking. But, wow…did you hear that we now have 4 kids? It seems like mere survival at this time. During this season in my life all I can accomplish is composure and an inventory of TP.  Trying to find myself is a task in and of itself, but very necessary for Christmas card writing. I mean, who wants to read something without heart & thoughtful content? So, here we go….

Christmas Greetings to you! We hope this finds you happy & healthy. I am glad to report that we are happy & healthy as well.  We began the year with the thrilling announcement “We are pregnant!”. Tori Jean Howorth was born September 20^th. We are indulging in all that comes along with a newborn baby. I highly recommend holding a newborn whenever you get the chance. It does the heart good. The boys are smothering big brothers and Tori seems to like all the attention.

Tyler is 5 and in kindergarten. Unlike his brothers, he comes home from school singing songs. He’ll take 5 minutes to report his thoughts on a topic, and a few episodes of Tom & Jerry is his constant afternoon ritual. If you invite him over to your home he will jump on your furniture, may even do a backflip. We’ve told him not to… but, it is his “thing”.

Toby just turned 9 and is in 3^rd grade. He is an early riser. Just the other day, after a 6 am booktime, he stretched and sighed “reading is such a good way to start the day”. My child said this? I can take no credit. Toby proves every day that he is unique. His interests are self-born. Although, he does share the love of surfing with his dad and has taken on basketball like his older brother.

Tim is 12 and in jr high. He is our young bachelor about. Already proficient at cooking breakfast, brewing coffee, and walking the dog. We are raising adults, not kids, yet recently I have flashbacks by just watching him sit across from me. It’s like Tim the 3 year old emerges and is trying to read a silly book …but now in a very deep baritone voice. Gosh, I wish you all could see him play basketball, too.

And then there’s us. Oh yeah, us. James & I want to do things and try to do things, but we are just living each day for our kids and work. It must be the self-sacrificing years. We cannot be distracted with much else. Otherwise we’d miss out on what is important …what is right here. We do plan to get away soon, just the two of us. Next year will be our 15 year anniversary and also my 40^th birthday, plus we have a life to celebrate. This life. This abundant life. 

Now, how do I end this note? I really want to see you all and catch up in person. Ideally we’d share a Christmas mug of spiked cocoa and sit near a cozy fire…. If I could manage that alone I’d call it a success. So, instead, I’ll end with a blessing of peace on your home and family. May this new year, and all that it offers, be sweet and full of enough grace to face it.

With all the love we can muster, Merry Christmas!

Love, Team Howorth

hope

when the world says, "give up", hope whispers, "try one more time" - anonymous


since 2008 I wanted to try one more time for one more baby. I'd hold up my index finger and put it in view of my husband and say "one more". He would smile. nod. even shake his head at what seemed delusional. we hadn't any health insurance. his income was fleeting. we had just downsized into our 2 bedroom condo. the odds were stacked against growing our family. should we be simply content with what we had? three healthy, growing, pride making boys. our plate was full. yet a still & small voice inside me spoke often...."one more". 


for 2 years we waited for the means to buy health insurance. for 3 years we fought the battles that threatened our marriage. for 1 1/2 years we "tried" to conceive. um...the youngest was about to turn 5 and I was facing my final year of my youthful 30s.


O give up already. health insurance is expensive, cut the maternity coverage, save some money. your marriage needs work and it takes more love than you've got. you aren't able to bear anymore children, you've tried. you're being greedy. some women would be happy with just one child. and anyway....you are getting too old. 


wow. these thoughts just linger with logic and dampen dreams. I had become reasonable. and reasonable doesn't dream well. nor hope for things unseen. I was letting go of my dream. it was slipping away.
almost......


on the other hand, I chose to believe in the evidence of God working in other people's lives. I chose to believe that He is the God of the impossible. 
I witnessed a surprise baby from a family who underwent the struggles of testicular cancer and were judged "sterile". 
I witnessed brave parents of 3 boys, where mom was effected by lupus, prepare for adoption only to find out that they were having a baby girl all their own. her body was capable beyond understanding. 
another friend has a house full of 5 girls. that, in itself, oozes undeniable blessings. I couldn't look upon her family without seeing an attitude of wanting ALL that God offers, even though she had loss in between all that gain. she inspires me to pursue all the good I can.
I heard good news of friends, who lost their 1st baby girl full term, then had 3 girls! and then they were blessed with a baby boy! 
I even found inspiration watching my in-laws move across country to realize their east coast dream....and another family who satisfied the siren call of moving back to hawaii. they both had courage to make it happen rather than live in a place of "what if". I didn't want to be accountable to "what if?" I want to say, at the very least, "I tried".
I witnessed a young girl with an inoperable brain tumor proclaim NEGU! (never ever give up) a faithful slogan that inspires hundreds of thousands to not give up hope, even if the circumstances make so much sense to throw in the towel. 
these external reminders kept my dream alive. they obliterated the lingering nay sayers. I would imagine a small baby in my arms...all curled up, red, and smelling o so babyish. it kept me dreaming. it kept hope alive. it kept me unreasonable :o)


so, guess what.... we are having one more! I'm 14 weeks pregnant! 
although our circumstances are not ideal and I'd love to do this in a larger home and as a much much younger mum, I'll take it! the wait is over. I'll praise and rejoice. I'll feel like spring and proclaim victory. I'll consider all things possible despite circumstance & reason.


and I won't give up my dreams.  


listen to yours. they are believable.