year end.....2011

here it is folks. my annual letter. it comes with a disclaimer this year.... 
warning. the following contains sarcasm and blunt honesty. viewers discretion & adult beverage advised.


Have you ever had one of those years where you said "what kind of year was THAT? are my limbs still in tact?" 


no? well, lucky you.


I promise I won't rant. James & I have a lot to be grateful for...for starters, we made it through 2011 still married. But, I'm not gonna lie....it was tough. real tough. ugly things started to emerge, like hate, apathy, chaos, nomadic-ism, and the occasional budget crunch. 


I didn't signup for this. 


So, with disappointment leading my thoughts.....the year rolled on as one would guess.....negatively. The have nots overshadowed the haves. The stress of said struggle stripped away my health. I'd have 3 days of super suburban hero mom productivity ....then 6 days of lethargy. When the kids started school in the fall I had BIG PLANS. All 3 boys off to the world of academia and I was to "Carpe Diem". My body had other ideas. I lost my appetite and fell asleep on the couch for over a week. Add a 30 day notice to move and the uneasy feeling that renting might be more long term than hoped and voila! I disintegrated. 


Now, yes, my troubles are small...and yes, I have a great husband and 3 awesomely wonderful sons....to sum that up...I have a wonderful life. It was just a "not so wonderful year" mixed with a crappy attitude & ever failing arguments over where our lives were headed. sucky. very sucky indeed. It's like a car without a driver...on a mountain road....in a blizzard.....and we're too stunned to park and put chains on. how's that for an analogy.


so, with the swift flick of my wand all our problems went away. I turned my frown upside-down. We made lemonade out of lemons. HA! that was the movie version, kids. 


In reality, we are still facing the hard truths. The truth that marriage is work. The truth that we don't know how to do life "happy" all the time and that must be learned. The truth that pure love is not easy to dish out. Embracing these truths will help us grasp perspective & direction & the steering wheel of this so called life. We both long for a unified marriage & more love &, heck, more "indoor sport". We will get there. eventually. 


Now, I mentioned 3 sons. well, I'll post a picture, k? I could boast about their flag football careers and their reading achievements, or even how exceptionally smart they are, especially at video gaming.....but, I'm not going there this year. It's not about the kids. It's about our marriage. Without it our kids would be lost and we would be quitters. 

sandy feet

praying for all that stirs in my heart is like trying to rinse my feet at the beach. place a sandy foot in a bucket of water. step back onto the sand. place other sandy foot in the bucket of water. place it back onto the sand. what I mean is....there is a lot to pray about. there's a long list of people in need, family in new places, kids I want to cover with supernatural force fields, friends with ailing loved ones, strangers with evident struggles, and don't even get me started on the political leaders....the laundry list just goes on & on. it's overwhelming. especially since I've neglected the whole idea for a long while. 
I'm not surprised it seems like a difficult chore to begin. I accept the vast consequence of my neglect. what I am surprised about is how I've become an observer of God's work, like a fan or spectator, rather than an active member of His force, His kingdom, His work. It's as if I've slipped away to a comfortable spot of want. How did THAT happen?
I could toil over understanding my inadequacy in the prayer department OR I could just start the practice of prayer, again, no matter how choreful it may seem right now. 
danish philoshopher Kierkegaard said "prayer does not change God, it changes him who prays". that sounds good. sign me up. is it that simple? 
I'll just start with a spoken word. then a moment of listening. then let my heart recall all the concerns of the day, all the people who come to mind. most importantly I'll listen to Him who wants to direct my path. My God who cares for every detail of my life. My God who only wants the bestest stuff ever for me. that's a good place to begin. it may start off small & lifeless, sometimes even feel pointless, but I've experienced true prayer at it's most powerful and I know I want to be a part of that again. 
so, where's that bucket.......

the elderly's elves

imagine you are 87. you live in an assisted living home. at christmastime you long for a loved one's visit to share a meal and exchange gifts, but those are the aches of memories past. you have no family to speak of. 

I know this sounds like a very sappy phone commercial and the overture is melancholy..... the truth is this is the reality of many elderly, especially at the holiday season.

Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. james 1:27

this christmas eve I sat in the assisted living foyer as my youngest napped in my arms. my husband, 2 sons, and neighbor friend visited the rooms with small token gifts to spread cheer and care for those who are invalid. as I sat there I visited with those around me and observed the comers and goers (aka the walkers and the motorized scooters). 
one gal, in her 80's, who had probably suffered a stroke at one point, was approached by an employee with a flower arrangement. the employee began to read the attached note. as the employee read the note tears welled up in the gal's eyes. she tried to fight the tiny pools collecting in her eyes by smiling. I couldn't help but wonder if she was teary because she was so touched by the gift or because she rather see her family than receive a flower arrangement. I couldn't help but think it was the latter.
sitting next to me was a capable fellow. he was dressed in attire that was similar to 1994's casual friday... tan dockers, pressed striped dress shirt, braided leather belt. we struck up some chit chat and I found out his wife had passed about 8 years ago. being from north dakota, the few of his remaining, aging family was there. back in his day he had come out here for the airline biz and lost touch with most of his family members. now his christmas consists of waiting in the foyer for the home's christmas buffet. after sitting and visiting with me for quite some time he still had another hour before the buffet opened. I want to adopt that grandpa. I am convinced he needs a regular trip to the park with a toddler or a home cooked turkey feast. he'd be an awesome grandpa....I don't even know if he had ever had the opportunity to be one at all....


my hope is this....
I hope to give perspective of something beyond the average scope of daily life and season celebrations. 
I hope that others will go buy holiday token gifts at bargain prices and save them for a visit to a home for the elderly.
I hope that we're all in the understanding that we're all susceptible to these circumstances.... illness, debilitation, loneliness, old age. 
I hope this reminds us of all we do have and dissolves the cares of what we don't have.


keep it real & nice. happy new year.

Merry Christmas 20.10.

every christmas. every december. every celebration..... is a time to share. 

Here's my economical approach to the christmas card... my stampless, paperless, effortless holiday greeting that hopefully brings cheer from my heart to yours. 

As my kids play in the street and dodge the passing neighbors in their cars, I type the tried and true tradition, the annual howorth5 update. We have had a momentous year full of change and challenges. We're still standing so,  we're still quite hopeful for a bright future. More importantly, we're delighted with the present.

Tim is now 10, and wants to spend every minute with a friend... any friend. He is a talented athlete, highly competitive, and extremely capable of ripping opponents apart on the field. Therefore, we are fortunate and very grateful to have invested coaches in Tim's life to teach him appropriateness and sportsmanship. It takes a village, right? Seriously though, we love Tim and the young man he is becoming.

Toby just turned 7 on the 7th. He is grasping the value of money. Earn it. Spend it. He seems to enjoy the transaction more than what is purchased. I miss that thrill. He knows how to enjoy life to it's fullest and is easily pleased. Toby is a lesson in contentment. What a blessing.

Tyler is 3 and wants every toy he sees for his birthday, which is on 2/23. He's been waiting for the big day all year. James and I, on the other hand, have been stomping on the "passenger side brake" of Tyler's life. We are indulging in this  toddler time fully aware that it ends too soon. I must say, don't let his age fool you though, at 3yo he is proficient at wii, xbox, ds, and is contemplating guitar hero.

As for James, he turned 40. It was unavoidable. 10.20.2010 was a memorable celebration as we mourned the loss of his youth. I delight in this and feel no shame as I refer to him as my old man. I know in due time he may call me an old hag or some equivalent...but, I might enjoy that. After all, he'll always be my old man. 

What can I say about myself? I'm crazy enough to swim 1.5k in the shark infested malibu triathlon. I'm crazy enough to want another baby. I'm crazy enough to love my husband, and he's crazy enough to love me. We defy the divorce rate, 12 years married come what may. It's a crazy life full of ups, downs, and all-arounds. My life isn't perfect, but it's certainly pleasant and full of loved ones. oh, and they're just as crazy, too. (if they'd just admit it.....)

Merry Christmas to you and yours! We hope much goodness and goodwill to all. May the peace of God reign in your hearts and in your christmas celebrations. It's not about santa ;o)

much love,

the Howorth5